time doesn't really fly, does it?

I am not finding the comfortable sitting position tonight that I usually find as I come to write whatever is passing through my head, which is, perhaps, why we find me returning here again after a longer than usual absence... in one of my alter-ego journals I reflected on life a bit and ended up hearing an old Harry Chapin song in my mind and so I've come here with the CD in my hand and just pressed the play button... Verities & Balderdash... Harry Chapin music is one of my very oldest friends...

and as I open yet another plastic bottle of Code Red the realization that I have not had the time to rest and live my personal circadian rhythm in more than half a decade and that, my friends, is a very long time to be on someone else's clock... but isn't that the way of the world (and, if you ask me, the reason humanity is suicidal individually and as a species, but who asks me)...

anyway, I wish someone would relate to Harry Chapin music (and the world) as I do... while there is so much sadness, sorrow, tragedy in his lyrics and in the world, there is even more hope and beauty... at least that is my perspective and when I find myself doubting, when my eyes grow dim and my heart feels heavy, I come here to whine and complain and throw a pity party and every time I find myself laughing at myself and the poverty of senses that brings me here as my positive perspective returns...

yes, this is the land of the mostly dead where I bury the ghosts (not so deep to keep them from coming out and singing now and then though)... Harry knows the ghost well... he is one... as are the characters in his songs... and they know my personal ghosts well, or vice versa... so perhaps it is time for another haunted hallowed party in my head and alas, as usual, I throw it alone...

those of you who feel depression as a dark pit from which you see no escape might see this land of the mostly dead as a demented Escher painting, a spiraling blackness that repeats the same different scary and apathetic steps every day... some of you might feel a kinship with the self-pity or a connection with the self-doubts... I do not wish to disappoint you, but you should be aware (if you will let yourself be) that while I am familiar with the death spiral of self-destruction and negativity commonly known as depression, it is not my home, nor is it my usual state of mind... it is, however, the collective consciousness I feel in humanity these days and as I am far from perfect and therefore sometimes get caught up in the downtrodden perspective of being human, I can relate... I just don't want to stay here and know how to get out... I hope you don't hate me too much for this, or for articulating it...

meanwhile, as I come here at the peak of this year's holiday bloat, I feel my sagging body growing older by the minute and wonder if pushing it further with chemical stimulants and extra sugars is truly worth it... I enjoy the sensory experience of chocolate and other high fat and high-carb comfort foods... but I enjoy physical exercise and sharing healthy experiences just as much (often even more)... it's the sharing that makes all the difference in the world... there is no sharing these days...

lately, I am finding that I enjoy solitary self-indulgence in comfort foods more than I enjoy solitary pleasures of exercise and healthy foods... and while everywhere I turn I get much encouragement to be decadently self-destructive in diet and lifestyle and it is so easy, so human to whine about the influences of those around me and this overweight consumer culture, I know it is my choice... so I've bloated up to 219 pounds and my sugar (glucose) level was 126 this week and my dear doctor wants me back in 7 weeks for another check up... I've got a great doctor, really, and I suppose it's a good sign that I actually do keep going back... I haven't seen my dentist in more than two years and he's a great dentist... for what it's worth...

and another swig of Code Red... like Harry says, What Made America Famous...

alas, there's no tick toc on our electric clock, but still our time runs down... and we close our eyes and pray the truth will go away, but burned into our consciousness like many shades of gray is the long lost alienation you can see in the eyes of a stray, so we open our eyes and sigh and then, collectively look away...

and I still don't... and I still hope to find eyes that will look back at mine and see what I see and feel the depression and can still reach the hope within and trust that we can still share it... cynics might call it foolishness... romantics call it love... when I find the one who looks back at me and shares it, I will know what I call it...
  • Current Music
    Harry Chapin, Verities & Balderdash

this is where I come

this is where I come to whine about my life and express the loneliness of man without a wife... this is where I come to vent the frustration with me as I grow old and tired of living giving in to the lazy... this is where I come to set my pity-party free... this is where I come to check on me... physically...

this is where I go to record every step I take as I climb the landslide of time until I sweat and ache... to compare and contrast in numbers how this body feels when I dare to wake it up and turn senses on real... this is where I go to be scared... this is where I go to see just how well or poorly I have fared...

this is where I go to summarize the data and to explain what is good and to ask me what's the matter... this is where I hope to be forever incomplete as if I'll live forever and time can be beat... to report on me and inspire you... this is where I go to continue...

this is where I go to contemplate my goals for the body and the rolls when I have any goals for the body and the rolls...

and these are other places I go to express myself, explore the world, insect the cause, and fingers curled, and ponderings and babblings, life in real time, and to find a sleeping heart that sings...

and more...

and these are other places I go to remember and forget, to inspire and regret, to dream and to cry, to come down, to get high, to relax, to get by...

and today I visited the gym again for the second time in two days and I must face the deterioration of this body that occurs when I get lazy for too long and I resurrect the hope that I am not dead yet... and hope I will continue back toward the road of the living... for I have rested too much too long in this land of the mostly dead...

there will always be a connection with the mostly dead within me, but it is elsewhere that I hope to spend most of my time... and share... it would be good to share the living again...

take the idea and run with it...

something that was lost

is that a Waterboys song?... ah, one thing that was lost, for the moment at least, is the certainty of that particular memory... perhaps Gavin Friday calls out to me as well... in any case, I repeat a few words I wrote in my other LJ (and will probably repeat in all of my writing places eventually, maybe even soon)...

I have about one loyal commenter, a far away friend who reminds me that it is possible to connect through words and maintain the feeling of caring, the bond of friendship through words at a distance, at every one of my diaries, journals, and blogs... a different loyal commenter at each, in fact... I probably have a few more loyal readers (hello out there) at each, different readers at each, but it is so weird cuz I don't have time to update daily anywhere these days and yet I am trying to cuz of about one person's feedback at each place...

is that pathetic or amusing?...

I'll be amused :)

am I silly or some sort of genius?... is my happiness some idiot savant ignorance or some profound infinite connection with everything?... does it matter if I have no doubt about my contentment with my perspective and joy with self?...

even when I want to throw a pity party (and I am doing it as I write this, in case you wondered), I enjoy the heck out of it and find glee (complete with giggles) all through the experience and a cathartic bliss at the end that is the same magical bliss emotion that the greatest confidence boosting applause or most romantic adoration or most passionate love can provide (and the skeptic rises from the coffin to extend the glare, or perhaps a mere nonchalant glance, of disbelief and the peanut gallery giggle until fizz and milk and noodles come out of the nose of the ones who were munching or drinking)...

and it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, where I belong I'm right, where I belong... and it really doesn't matter if you understand, I live in wonderland, in wonder land... and I'll just go on repeating the same silly song, until you come along, to sing our song... and I'll just go on as if it's all been planned, lost boys in never land, lost girls in wonderland, riddles in poppy land, giggles in goofy land, wiggles in wobble land, nibbles in noodle land, nickles in pickle land...

yeah, I know...

but you you?...



meanwhile, the TV blares The Outer Limits while the walls bleed and children stuff their faces with comfort food and the house preacher beats a dove with an olive branch...

it's the end of the world and you know it...

and I feel fine...

all along

you know you have been here inside of me
all the while that I've neglected to write
you know that I think of you regularly
even when I seem to fall out of sight

and I trust you to know this
not that it exonerates me
from keeping in touch
but knowing that you know this
creates love inside of me
and I want love so much

you know me my friend, what else can I say
I do not pretend, it's been a long day
I was lost in love, while I've been away
now I am alone again, no one wants to stay
so do you want to come out to play?

I know I sometimes ask for a lot
but I am someone who gives it all I've got
and that is all I ask of anyone close to me
those who dare to care to stay respect the way I choose to be
for all I want is everyone to be all they can be
and to find the one who will share everything with me

you know me my friend, I just don't belong
in this crazy world, I sing my own song
maybe I'm too weak, maybe I'm too strong
maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong
but at least I stay true to my song
(and not many people can claim that)
wherever I am I've been here all along

and I trust you to know this
not that it exonerates me
from keeping in touch

but knowing that you know this
creates love inside of me
and I want love so much

so how do I say thank you, it's never too late
for you know me my friend, I appreciate
and all I can say is... sorry I made you wait
but I share less when I don't feel so great
and lately I was in a confused state

you know me my friend, that's why I love you
I always bounce back, to the best I can do
that is all I need, and to let it show through
I remember to share, much thanks to you
and sharing's why I'm here, it's what I do
all we've got to do is believe and knowing you believe
is one reason I can believe in you
  • Current Music
    Fuse TV, AFI, RHCP, Dar Williams

save me

I don't believe anyone can save me
for I believe only you can save yourself
I don't believe in shirking that responsibility
yet all these words are stacked upon this shelf

in case I'm wrong

and just in case I'm wrong
I wrote this song

save me
heal my aching heart
and help me remember how to love again

save me
I forgot my part
I lost myself somewhere, I don't know where or when

save me
with your unconditional love
save me by trusting I mean you no harm
I want to be good and trust in the charm
of love
but I have forgotten how
and I wonder who can save me now

I am just a child inside nursing a broken heart
trying to ignore the pain I feel
I know I've got to do most of the work by myself
but alone I can not completely heal

so save me
don't leave me alone
even when I try to push the world away

save me
I'm too much on my own
I need to remember how to trust someone today

save me
with your unconditional love
save me by trusting I mean you no harm
I want to be good and trust in the charm
of love
but I have forgotten how
and I wonder who can save me now

just one more day

I know I can hear from the pits of despair
but I don't want to live there (I don't want to live there)
I know I can feel how the misery is real
but I don't want to give in there (I don't want to give in there)
I know I can go where nothing good can grow
but I don't want to stay there (I don't want to stay there)
I just want to be where my spirit can run free –
and I still want to play there (I just want to play there)...

will you let me be a kid just one more day?
if I let go of the act what would you say?
will you call me rude, perverse or something worse I don't wanna know
I just want to enjoy life once more before I have to go

it's a query to the world from the child inside
is it cool to come out now or is it still best to hide?
I didn't make the rules, I am just along for the ride
and like it or not - I'm a child inside
for better or worse, I'm a child inside

I mean you no harm
no cause for alarm
I may be fifty or a hundred and three
but there's still a kid alive in me
and it's killing him just to play the grown up game
I'll leave that for those who like it if it's all the same
but will you let me be a kid without guilt or shame?
or are you too far gone to avoid wanting someone to blame
for your own fears and the responsibilities you claim
that's slowly dying instead of living, whatever the name

and I want to live and I want to give and I want to play
will you let me be a kid just one more day?

I know I can be anywhere I want to be
but I just want to stay here (I just want to stay here)
I know I can feel the euphoria is real is real
but I don't want to leave here (I don't want to leave here)
I know I can find sweet secure peace of mind
and I can bring it with me anywhere
I just want to be where my spirit can run free –
and I still want to play there (I just want to play there)...

will you let me be a kid just one more day?
if I let go of the act what would you say?
will you call me rude, perverse or something worse I don't wanna know
I just want to enjoy life once more before I have to go

it's a message to the world from the child inside
they tried to kill me but I never died
I don't mean to break the rules, but I will not be denied
and like it or not – I am still a child inside
for better or worse, I'm a child inside

I mean you no harm
no cause for alarm
I may be fifty or a hundred and three
but there's still a kid alive in me
and it's killing him just to play the grown up game
I'll leave that for those who like it if it's all the same
but will you let me be a kid without guilt or shame?
or are you too far gone to avoid wanting someone to blame
for your own fears and the responsibilities you claim
that's slowly dying instead of living, whatever the name

and I want to live and I want to give and I want to play
will you let me be a kid just one more day?
will you let me be a kid... just one more day?

it takes two

I have paid my way and climbed every mountain I could find
I have given all and kept an open heart and mind
I have proven beyond doubt that I can make it on my own
and all that's left for me is to try not being alone

but it takes two to share
and all I see is fear
when I look inside
people run and hide
and the one thing I can not do all by myself
is share... for sharing always takes somebody else

so I am searching for someone to share with me
but all I find is fear and false dependency
doesn't anybody know they don't need anything to be free?
why does the simplest truth seem to be so hard to see?

I am searching for someone who is complete on their own
someone who has proven beyond doubt they can make it alone
someone who understands fear is a friend and not a foe
someone who can hold on tight because they can let go
someone who knows what I know

that it takes two to share
two who share that they care
completely honestly
in this reality
in everything say and more in all they do
to share... for sharing is only sharing when it is true
and it takes two who want to be one, but who know that they are two
and that is all I ever want from you
for me sharing is all that's left to do

incomplete without love

feeling the loneliness
feeling the emptiness
feeling the hunger
for love and affection

feeling the sad weakness
feeling I can't repress
feeling the longing
and fear of rejection

the missing sensation
the great expectation
there's only frustration
without the elation
of love
life is incomplete without love

all I can do is dream
of finding someone who will love
for nothing else is enough
to satisfy the burning desire
the hunger inside seems to never tire
we must feed love's insatiable fire
or fade into the night
drifting out of sight
never knowing it's light

feeling only loneliness
feeling only emptiness
feeling only hunger
for love and affection

feeling only sad weakness
feeling I can not repress
feeling only longing
and fear of rejection

the missing sensation
the great expectation
there's only frustration
without the elation
of love
I am incomplete without love

and even in my dreams
the passion is a haunting refrain
the longing only leads to pain
for we can't fool the burning desire
the hunger inside never expires
we must feed love's insatiable fire
or fade into the night
drifting out of sight
never knowing the light
of love
life is incomplete without love
I am incomplete without love
we are incomplete without love
life is incomplete without love

not dead yet...


12/24... it's about time... and to think, all it really took was a whole day here in this space by myself (everyone is away for the weekend) which is the best sign of all that my natural tendency to be healthy and fit is strong inside of me, even as my natural tendency to be a chameleon and roll with the flow of influence from those around me is also strong...

12/25... two days in a row, my xmas present to myself... the most important second step toward renewing my lease on life (dramatic, isn't it?... but there is truth, even in drama)... being off helps, since there are no obligation in my schedule... we shall see, once I get back, if this sudden re-awakening continues...

12/28... I am still eating Halloween candy... and still have quite a bit left... I just saw a commercial which lead me to this which tells me I have crossed the line into the land of the obese... funny, but I don't feel obese... people tell me I don't look it either, but then most people are fat Americans with distorted body images around here... it's a weird feeling, trying to fit in (pun not intended)...

but at least I did get back to the gym for a third time... oddly, I did not notice two days going by... I could have sworn I just skipped one day... yeah, the old cliches are sometimes quite right, time flies when you're having fun...

12/29... I am obviously not relating to these notes the way I used to... if you look back on the old notes, you may notice that my old notes were rather matter a fact and focused on the actual exercise... this is the first time in all the years of keeping a workout log that my notes are primarily (actually, completely, so far) rambling... not even a narrative or even a mention of the actual physical tasks and body feelings before, during, or after the workout...

guess I'm lonely...

12/30... good deal, got out on my day off again instead of letting laziness win... and a third day in a row and better stats than any previous days is a clear sign that I may be over the initial hump both psychologically and physically, for the moment at least...

it's not as much fun as it used to be, mostly because the euphoric feeling doesn't last as long... that could be because of the body deterioration due to time and due to lack of care, but it could also be due to being alone too long... I have not changed my diet much yet, except for adding more veggies to the mix... all in all, it's a good feeling and hopefully it'll get back to being great again one of these days...


yes, I'm lonely...

...

...

...how sad...

...

...


8/13... yeah, so anyway, I was at the gym a few times since the last entry in this exercise notes log and I ran a few times on the trail when Bert and Berry were talking about getting into shape for the marathon (but that idea fizzled as they moved to Washington (state)... so yesterday I impulsively went down to the gym for a light re-awaakening and this morning I kicked it into gear (and slow are the gears again, but at least there was minimal grinding)... and the upper body is fat and lazy and amazingly weak and the abds are nauseatingly flabby and weak and stamina is mediocre, yet the fitness test on the treadmill says I am in excellent condition... my calves did not burn on the second day... but my torso feel so old... continue...

...freaking what?


...8/25... challenged every which way but loose... wrote an entry here, crash, thanks Microsoft... push...

...````

9/9... so maybe I am starting again... there've been so many starts and stalls, I don't seem all that excited about making any notes for this one... time and less than optimal habits are taking it's toll on this body and I fall far short of my standards these days... full recovery time appears to be more than two days at the moment, as leg muscles burn at the start of a workout after a two day rest... it's a lot more more muscle fatigue than I've known in light workouts in this life... sad thing, this growing older thing... anyway, continue...

9/10... before heading to the gym I was all psyched about going out to Friday's with my roommates for three new appetizers that they've been advertising constantly on TV... mostly carbs and fat... what was I thinking... after getting to the gym and seeing the the 216 on the scale, I thought twice... but bad habits and taste buds didn't want to hear it... it was along about the 17 minute mark when something clicked in my brain and I realized I'd be an idiot to work against the work I was doing at that moment because it was hard enbough to climb back into a decent workout schedule and weight without guaranteeing the weight would remain a burden... so they just left and I'm eating low fat protein and veggies... the crying you hear are my taste buds... continue...

9/20... up and down, but continuing...

9/21... improvement is not easy to notice, especially in terms of the numbers, but perhaps in the fact that I am still dragging this body down to the gym (and today was a drag), in spite of the overindulgence of calories and fatty food this week and lack of optimal sleep for a long long time, is a good indicator... it was a chore getting past the first five minutes and then every change of focus (the LifeFiness 9100 runs me through a series of focuses every minute or two) was another struggle... the workouts over the weekend (3 in 26 hours) were easier than the past couple of days... a sign of diet (the meat and chocolate cake and such) and skipping meals (must eat breakfast and lunch) and less than six hours sleep each night) dang body demands more, sucker)... yeah, the rich have it so much easier in so many ways, but so many are too spoiled to notice... irrelevant distraction, of course... continue...

...

...

...

...

...

by the numbers


FORMAT: DATE, TIME, Avg Level, Minutes, Steps Per Minute, cals, distance, wt machine reps, wt., body wt.
See below stats for explanatory notes and daily workout notes...


12/24, 8p, ~L10-16, 30mn, ~40-65rpm, 450+c, 2.50+m, 220lbs
12/25, 9p, ~L13-14, 30mn, ~40-65rpm, 460+c, 2.6+m, 1rep10, 80lb, 220lbs
12/28, 9p, ~L12-14, 30mn+, ~45-65rpm, 480+c, 2.6+m, 2rep10, 80lb, 224lbs
12/29, 10p, ~L13-16, 30mn, ~45-65rpm, ~500c, ~2.7m, 2rep10, 80lb, 224lbs
12/30, 10p, ~L13-17, 30mn, ~45-65rpm, 528c, 2.83m, 222lbs

a few unrecorded moments... a few runs before a walk with Bert and Berry with a marathon in mind... few few miles down the landslide...


8/12, ..., L11, 15mn, ~50-65rpm, ~236c, ~1.23+m, 225lbs
8/13, 8am, L14(10),L10-16(20), 30mn, ~L45-68, 457c, 2.44m, 1rep10 80/100, 224lbs
8/14, 10am, L11-15, 479c, 2.66mi, 1rep10 100, 224lbs

missing a couple...

8/24........ 30mn, L15,L13, ~40-66rpm, 521c, 2.79mi, 222lbs
8/25........ 30mn, L13-15, ~45-66rpm, 516c, 2.76mi, 222lbs
8/27........ 30mn, L13-16, ~52-66rpm, 546c, 2.89m, 223lbs
?
9/3......... 30mn, ~L14, ~58rpm, 529c, 2.83m, 223lbs
9/5......... 30mn, ~L14, ~58rpm, 526c, 2.76m, 217lbs
9/6......... 30mn, ~L13, ~52rpm, ~462c, ~2.68m, 212lbs
9/7......... 30mn, ~L14, ~55rpm, 501c, 2.68m, 213lbs
9/9, 5pm. rb 13mn, 80rpm, 125c... td 13mn, 5mph, 175c
9/9, 5:30pm. 30mn, ~L11, ~48rpm, 430c, 2.30c, 213lbs
9/10, 3pm... 30mn, ~13 (4mn,L15), ~61rpm (3mn,75rpm), 526c, 2.81m, 216lbs

dang gym was too busy every day since I started the day shift

?........... 30mn, ~457c, 2.44m

9/16, 1pm... 30mn, ~L14, ~58rpm, 533c, 2.85m, 216lbs
9/16, 10pm.. 30mn, ~L14, ~58rpm, 535c, 2.86m, 214lbs
9/17, 4pm... 30mn, ~L14, ~59rpm, 542c, 2.89m, 213lbs
9/20, 5:30pm 3x10 80lb sitpreass, 3x10 110lb sitpulldown
9/20, 6pm... 30mn, ~L14, ~57rpm, 524c, 2.80m, 215lbs
9/21, 5pm... 30mn, ~L13, ~59rpm, 514c, 2.75m, 215lbs















General Notes: Interpreting each line approximately as follows EXAMPLE: 1/1, 9p ~L13, ~66rpm, 30mn, 541c, 2.90m, 3rep15, 100lb, 200lbs Date, Time, Approximately Level 13, Approx. 66 revolutions (steps) per minute, for 30 minutes, burned 541 calories, traveled 2.90 miles on the LifeFitness 9100 machine... then three reps of 15 sitting presses and pull downs with 100 lbs of weight... and body weight was 200lbs before starting the workout... ~ is used for approximate data when the machine shuts down and doesn't give final data or when there is a range because I changed levels or rpms...

all data is on the Lifecycle 9100 machine unless note:

<td width="50">rb
run
runw </td> <td width="20">=
=
= <td width="190">Recumbant Bike
run out on the trail
run with walk breaks</td> <td width="40"></td> <td width="40">rbr
td
...</td> <td width="20">=
=
= <td width="190">in Race Mode
treadmill
...</td>


more specifics can be found in the notes linked below... make sense?... if not and it matters to you (thanks if it does), just ask... click below for daily notes...



WORKOUT NOTES