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Mostly Dead

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mountains to remember [Jun. 26th, 2003|05:39 pm]
Mostly Dead
I don't want to be depressed
but I am very sad sometimes
still I try to remember
I find peace in rhymes

life is about to change again... and it might be wise for me to take this opportunity to deal with the life I have shelved for a long time... time again to question my sanity again... or to return to it... what to do... give up on love?... give up on finding someone who cares about me?... give up on life?... on my dreams?... or work to replace the stuff, the toys and music and videos and sit home entertaining myself... I can, once I shelve the dream of being loved... once I give up on humanity as a species who can love without possession, without greed, without pretens... then the foolish suicidal species becomes another show to watch, interactive, but detached from me emotionally and psychologically...

and we'll have fun fun fun
till her daddy takes the T-bird away

maybe I should get another dog... so I betrayed the last dog given to my care by leaving her with a family that killed her, they did their best to kill me too, after all, but I did not know their true colors until I was too far away to save Happy Dog... they lied about killing her for some time after they did the deed... put her to sleep, such a typical human anacronism... or is that an oxymoron?...

anyway, life is about to change... Sam is moving out... so the place will be empty very soon... I will probably repeat this often until it happens because my mind has not quite wrapped completely around the thought, no less the reality... in a couple of weeks I will likely be sitting here in the big green chair with nothing around me at all... everything belongs to Sam... I didn't have to buy anything when I moved in cuz the place was full of stuff and there wouldn't have been any room for more furniture or things anyway... but soon there's gonna be nothing but room... and then the stuff that was stolen will hurt as if it was stolen yesterday... and the cost of replacement will rub the betrayal of trust in my face all over again, and again with each purchase until everything that can be replaced is replaced... that will take years, unless a winning lottery falls out of the sky or someone with way too much money than they need adopts me and gets real generous... alas, trust...

so I want to believe I can still se the truth in human eyes, but I wonder more than ever if I ever could... and will my doubting and testing anyone who comes close (if anyone ever does again) become a wall no one will want to (or be able) to climb?... oh yeah, this time life gave me a mountain...