mostly dead

i started this journal some years ago when i was wondering if i should be depressed or whether depression would get in the way of life as i was trying to rebuild it at the time and had made a substantial dent in the devastation that had been life in the years before this journal began and i believe i decided, as i always had in the past, that we all need some sadness in our lives if only to appreciate the happiness more and ultimately, i want to be happy and not waste too much time on the sorrows or dreams of large chocolate miracle pills or naked nubile princesses (though not necessarily large breasted, or large at all, please) unconditionally in love with me, for that matter...

so i re-learned how to throw myself a helluva pity-party (cuz that was always my way out of the dumps cuz it has the word party in it, so it must become fun eventually, right?) and i indulged my love of creative emotional catharsis (and sad songs) and the roller coaster of emotions that is life and i remembered that i still preferred to live, so i concluded way back then and reiterate now, i suppose, that love and music and sharing unconditional trust with a partner or partners (intimate best friend(s), soulmate(s), brothers and sisters, halleylulus, or yahs, for that matter, that is) is what makes me most alive and here i sit so all alone (which is a very very very old rhyme from the very first tome i wrote, for those in the know) i yet i am still breathing and enjoying the heck out of life all by myself, so i must still be only mostly dead...

yay for the miracle of free association too :)

i still get lonely
and still have hope
i'm still a dreamer
and still a dope
i still am honest
too much for now
i still feel caring
even when it seems i've forgotten how


i still see beauty
and still feel pain
i'm still a babbler
and still insane
and i still am real
too much for now
i still feel wonder
even when it seems i've forgotten how

if you've followed my story
then you know all the songs
how i've got to be me my way
it doesn't matter who belongs
and if it is an impossible dream
i'd do it all over again
for i believe in love and hoping
someday somewhere we will all be friends

i still get depressed
and still can cry
i'm still empathic
and still awry
i'm still dichotic
too much for now
i'm still quixotic
even when it seems i've forgotten how

i still know madness
and still get down
profound is nonsense
i'm still a clown
I still feel laughter
too much for now
i'm still mostly dead
even when it seems i've forgotten how

if you've been keeping in touch
then you know all the rhymes
from all my life's a circle
to now is the best of times
and if the best i can be is a dreamer
i'd do it all over again
for i believe imagine all the people
someday somewhere we will all be friends

so here we are still writing
the world within the words
keep on true to yourself
even if it seems... all for the birds

and if all we need is love seems to fail
i'd do it all over again
for i believe in love and sharing
I believe in love and caring
I'll sing until we are all hearing
someday somewhere we will all be friends

I love you
even when it seems i've forgotten how
i'll continue
until it's not too much for now

yes, i may be insane (or crazy, but a madman survives in the madhouse much better than even the wisest of prophets (what?... you expected me to link myself there?... find your own leader, yawl), or jesus, even (aye?... catch me if you can sang the song of the madmad and he chased the melody beyond all time... catch me if you can sang the song without a plan cuz we don't need no stink' plan when we've got a rhyme... nyuk nyuk narf)...

and i may be starting again...

date?... see above... yes, doing it again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, at least...

we shall see how long this one lasts, aye?

1. under 200 evermore (raven's laugh)
2. to be . . .

in my better moods, i laugh at the pathos i pour into this journal, just as i laugh at the buddha belly i've cultivated on and off (currently on) over the last couple of years, this journal, besides being home to some of the most self-indulgent emo rhymes i've ever written, blah blah blah blah blah...

i did have something else to say, but i forgot...

later...

who cares
silence is my best friend
nobody answers
no one notices
though sometimes far away voices
share a few words
every few weeks
but in between
silence is my best friend

who cares
what happens to me now
nobody shares life
no one listens
though i appreciate your words
when you leave them
once in a while
but most of the time
life is a lonely ride

so i have learned to enjoy myself
all by myself
i make my own fun

and i have learned to amuse myself
all by myself
i’m the only one

who is always here to care about me
i guess that’s life in reality
some are lucky and share the daily
life in a mutual fantasy
maybe that is the romance i dream of
every dream i dream ends with me in love
now if i only wake to find someone
dreaming the same dream will the dream be done
only to find that life has begun
and i’m not the only one

who is always here to care about me
can i change life in reality
can i get lucky and share the daily
life in a mutual fantasy

who cares
where is the silence now
who cares
where is the silence now
if the music stops
will the dream end
where is my lover
where is my friend
if i stop singing
will i stop dreaming
will i forget what i am dreaming of
who cares
i hear the silence
and i’ll keep dreaming
cuz dreaming makes me happy
and every dream i dream ends with me in love

i don't want to cry anymore
i don't want to drown
it is too late for my dreams
i can play the clown
side show harry can endure
that is my middle name
irony is me, it seems
endless is my game

there is not one among us
who can cast the first stone
there is not one among us
who understands alone
there is not one among us
who remembers a time
when words had no meaning
and didn't even rhyme
just sights and sounds
and physical touches
and scents and tastes
just space and no time

staring at the ceiling
such a funny feeling
nobody's home

to return to that place inside
flat on your back in wonder
staring at the colors and shapes
without even knowing what colors or shapes were
just wandering with your eyes
and enjoying it all, much to your surprise
except when hunger gnaws
or some other discomfort or pain appears
still mostly enjoying it all
like in the innocent years

for so many years i did not cry
for so many years i cried myself to sleep each night
for a few years i believed in...
was it all a lie?
now all i do is cry inside while losing myself in the light

to remember a time
when words had no meaning
and didn't even rhyme
just sights and sounds
and physical touches
and scents and tastes
just space and no time


staring at the ceiling
such a funny feeling
nobody's home

to return to that place inside
flat on your back in wonder
staring at the colors and shapes
without even knowing what colors or shapes were
just wandering with your eyes
and enjoying it all, much to your surprise
except when hunger gnaws
or some other discomfort or pain appears
still mostly enjoying it all
like in the innocent years

i don't want to cry anymore
i don't want to drown
it is too late for my dreams
i can play the clown
side show harry can endure
that is my middle name
irony is me, it seems
and in the end... it's all the same

the tears almost come
and then i sneeze
must be thinking truth
and i almost fall
to my knees
praying for my youth
the years don't return
and then i laugh
must be thinking absurd
and i almost sing
but my voice
doesn't find a word

i've never felt this broken
or afraid of things i've done
i've never felt this unsure
or wrong and it's no fun

the tears almost come
and then i sigh
must be bored with myself
and i almost wish
for the end
of the book on my shelf
the dust hides the titles
and then i laugh
must be thinking insane
and i almost feel
something else
but i still find pain

i've never felt this awful
thoughts in my mind weigh a ton
i've never felt this sorry
or wrong and it's no fun

and the tears almost come

yes, fine pickle of fish this move has been so far... i sit here counting the days off this life as i breath in powerful poisons in order to kill the roaches living in this building anywhere near this apartment and deter them from returning as it seems they were used to doing... the bedroom is off-limits tonight, probably tomorrow night as well... roaches i will not get used to, so either they go or i do... i gave notice to the management that the orkin guy coming this past wednesday did not resolve the roaches entering this space and they have two weeks to fix it or i will be moving out... i am almost certain that i have a thirty day window to move out according to the leasing agent... meanwhile, i used the outdoor killer stuff on the bedroom and parts of the kitchen and outside the front door and now i sit next to the open window hoping it does not rain any more than it already has because i'd like to sleep with the windows open tonight... in the living room... there's always the car and if i must, a local hotel... i might have headed over to the pool area to check out the wi-fi if it was not raining, again...

i know i intended to wait until monday so i'd be gone for a few days, but the roaches apparently wanted me to know they lived here first and were not planning on moving out as they were bold enough to be creeping around the kitchen counter in broad daylight when i got home... the dirty microwave got their attention... the one thing i bring in dirty (and i almost never used it, but they never cleaned it and i may trash it) and the roaches come looking, which tells me they have a nice home in the walls and this will require a serious treatment... alas, and here i thought i was paying $150 more a month to live in a cleaner, newer, better kept apartment... for all the negatives of the management and upkeep of the other place, there was never a bug in that apartment after i fumigated the first time and there was always food and crumbs and grease and standing water and cardboard boxes and clutter and all the things roaches love there... that comes from knowing how to treat a property for bugs... something they obviously do not know how to do here...

so i may be moving again before the end of the month, dammit... and i may spend a hundred or more trying to clean this building up first... just what i needed, higher rent and higher upkeep... and poisons in the air and everywhere... did i mention there's a bit of frustration floating around the place as well? (alas, this would be so much fun if there was someone sharing the adventure and challenge and poisoning... so naturally i am only laughing, not really loving it...

and the music continues... and the belly bloats (frustration leads to bloating, didn't you know that?... well, yeah, so does poisoning, but i will not live with roaches... did i mention that?... the music is wonderful in spite of the distractions and near death experiences... wonderfully wonderful, even though i do not have the magic of the tapes of wonder, the tapes of history, the tapes of thunder, the tapes of mystery, the tapes of lightening, the tapes of glory, the tapes of wisdom, the tapes or story... oh, oh oh, the story... i think the poisons are getting to me... it's not a great high, more like a low grade fever and nausea... and slight frontal lobe headache... kind of like two days ago when i thought it was mostly the move and kidneys...

O . . . O
. . .
O

yeah, in the almost immortal paraphrase of rene z in that movie everybody loved before they started hating the male co-star, you had me at stupid ass... that is, you have every right to call me a stupid ass, but fuck it, yes, fuck it, i am either going to die here or move and i really do not want to move again so soon, so i'll do my dirty work like i used to when i was young and more easily digested poisons and worked my way through high school killing nyc roaches and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be and while my outwardly insightfully (incitefully?) gifted friend z (not rene, though i'd love it) would suggest that i am just being a drama queen and suffering the slings and arrows of martyrdumb in order to prove nobody really gives a dam and i very well would die alone in an apartment someday like old auntie em (not dorothy's em, i had my own auntie em, just ask sandy who found her with me, poor kid, wish she was here, or better yet, in a much better place) and he may very well be right to a certain extent (a-hem), there is still the distinct possibility that i am simply a lazy stupid ass who does not want to drag the laptop and plugs and stuff down to the pool (do they even have outdoor plugs, i mean, the battery doesn't work) in the rain...

besides, i don't really want to leave the windows open with the ground all wet outside and a high chance of rain (excuses, excuses, but then, the last thing the new carpet needs is to get wet, roaches would love that... flipping fucktitude, where's the one who's gonna take care of me for a while... just been looking for her a lifetime, just when i thought i gave up, her comes that dream again... laughing like a lover finding just the right spot... chocolate fudge ice cream again... teasin like a child who does not know what he's got... fuck yeah...

i think i am tired of not cursing in my writing... either that or i have some pent up cursing that wants to come out... maybe it's the poisons... i think i'd have rather had a patio balcony overlooking the water like the model apartment they showed me... and two bedrooms, nicer layout... bigger kitchen... there really is no counter space in this one... they give up counter space for a bigger laundry room and a full size pantry closet... but i am at the rare, but still atainable moment wherein who gives a fuck makes sense...

i wouldn't mind the roaches and the poisons i have to use to deal with them if i was paying less rent, but this is an upscale place, or it's supposed to be.... don't judge a book by it's cover... meanwhile, i forgot to forward my mail all week... i am reminded of this because when i went to the mailbox, i found it full of the last tenant's mail... three electric bills, which suggests the apartment has been empty a couple of months, which makes sense as they replaced the carpets and flooring and even the counter tops and cabinets may be new... which may suggest the last tenants were pigs, tore the place up, and lived with the roaches because they fed them by being pigs and not knowing how to stop them from moving in...

the poisons are giving me a headache... i may have to check in somewhere tonight... at least i'd get the full fumigating over with in one night, but then, i might have to stay away three nights which would be the cost of another move, at least... my luck does not seem to be all that good in recent years... maybe it is true, maybe i simply haven't given a shit about myself or much of anything else in life in a while... we won't go pointing fingers of blame or seeking root causes or anything, just making an observation...

so what else is new?...

oh yeah, when i throw a pity party, i kick myself up but good, aye?... poisons 'n everythang... and like a good drunk, i've got tipped over bottles everywhere... water bottles, mind you, but there's such a thing as water poisning too, ya know... like you think no one ever got cancer from smoking those candy cigarettes as a kid?...

i'm going out a while, if it rains, it rains...