| all for the birds (for now) |
[12 May 2009|12:21am] |
i still get lonely
and still have hope
i'm still a dreamer
and still a dope
i still am honest
too much for now
i still feel caring
even when it seems i've forgotten how
i still see beauty
and still feel pain
i'm still a babbler
and still insane
and i still am real
too much for now
i still feel wonder
even when it seems i've forgotten how
if you've followed my story
then you know all the songs
how i've got to be me my way
it doesn't matter who belongs
and if it is an impossible dream
i'd do it all over again
for i believe in love and hoping
someday somewhere we will all be friends
i still get depressed
and still can cry
i'm still empathic
and still awry
i'm still dichotic
too much for now
i'm still quixotic
even when it seems i've forgotten how
i still know madness
and still get down
profound is nonsense
i'm still a clown
I still feel laughter
too much for now
i'm still mostly dead
even when it seems i've forgotten how
if you've been keeping in touch
then you know all the rhymes
from all my life's a circle
to now is the best of times
and if the best i can be is a dreamer
i'd do it all over again
for i believe imagine all the people
someday somewhere we will all be friends
so here we are still writing
the world within the words
keep on true to yourself
even if it seems... all for the birds
and if all we need is love seems to fail
i'd do it all over again
for i believe in love and sharing
I believe in love and caring
I'll sing until we are all hearing
someday somewhere we will all be friends
I love you
even when it seems i've forgotten how
i'll continue
until it's not too much for now
|
|
| start again |
[03 May 2009|04:00am] |
yes, i may be insane (or crazy, but a madman survives in the madhouse much better than even the wisest of prophets (what?... you expected me to link myself there?... find your own leader, yawl), or jesus, even (aye?... catch me if you can sang the song of the madmad and he chased the melody beyond all time... catch me if you can sang the song without a plan cuz we don't need no stink' plan when we've got a rhyme... nyuk nyuk narf)...
and i may be starting again...
|
|
| log, ad infinitum |
[02 May 2009|04:00am] |
date?... see above... yes, doing it again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, again, at least...
we shall see how long this one lasts, aye?
|
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| pathetic creativity |
[10 Feb 2009|01:18am] |
in my better moods, i laugh at the pathos i pour into this journal, just as i laugh at the buddha belly i've cultivated on and off (currently on) over the last couple of years, this journal, besides being home to some of the most self-indulgent emo rhymes i've ever written, blah blah blah blah blah...
i did have something else to say, but i forgot...
later...
|
|
| who cares |
[30 Dec 2008|01:15am] |
who cares
silence is my best friend
nobody answers
no one notices
though sometimes far away voices
share a few words
every few weeks
but in between
silence is my best friend
who cares
what happens to me now
nobody shares life
no one listens
though i appreciate your words
when you leave them
once in a while
but most of the time
life is a lonely ride
so i have learned to enjoy myself
all by myself
i make my own fun
and i have learned to amuse myself
all by myself
i’m the only one
who is always here to care about me
i guess that’s life in reality
some are lucky and share the daily
life in a mutual fantasy
maybe that is the romance i dream of
every dream i dream ends with me in love
now if i only wake to find someone
dreaming the same dream will the dream be done
only to find that life has begun
and i’m not the only one
who is always here to care about me
can i change life in reality
can i get lucky and share the daily
life in a mutual fantasy
who cares
where is the silence now
who cares
where is the silence now
if the music stops
will the dream end
where is my lover
where is my friend
if i stop singing
will i stop dreaming
will i forget what i am dreaming of
who cares
i hear the silence
and i’ll keep dreaming
cuz dreaming makes me happy
and every dream i dream ends with me in love
|
|
| to remember a time |
[17 Oct 2008|12:21am] |
i don't want to cry anymore
i don't want to drown
it is too late for my dreams
i can play the clown
side show harry can endure
that is my middle name
irony is me, it seems
endless is my game
there is not one among us
who can cast the first stone
there is not one among us
who understands alone
there is not one among us
who remembers a time
when words had no meaning
and didn't even rhyme
just sights and sounds
and physical touches
and scents and tastes
just space and no time
staring at the ceiling
such a funny feeling
nobody's home
to return to that place inside
flat on your back in wonder
staring at the colors and shapes
without even knowing what colors or shapes were
just wandering with your eyes
and enjoying it all, much to your surprise
except when hunger gnaws
or some other discomfort or pain appears
still mostly enjoying it all
like in the innocent years
for so many years i did not cry
for so many years i cried myself to sleep each night
for a few years i believed in...
was it all a lie?
now all i do is cry inside while losing myself in the light
to remember a time
when words had no meaning
and didn't even rhyme
just sights and sounds
and physical touches
and scents and tastes
just space and no time
staring at the ceiling
such a funny feeling
nobody's home
to return to that place inside
flat on your back in wonder
staring at the colors and shapes
without even knowing what colors or shapes were
just wandering with your eyes
and enjoying it all, much to your surprise
except when hunger gnaws
or some other discomfort or pain appears
still mostly enjoying it all
like in the innocent years
i don't want to cry anymore
i don't want to drown
it is too late for my dreams
i can play the clown
side show harry can endure
that is my middle name
irony is me, it seems
and in the end... it's all the same
|
|
| and the tears almost come |
[02 Oct 2008|11:48pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
La Cage aux Folles |
] |
the tears almost come
and then i sneeze
must be thinking truth
and i almost fall
to my knees
praying for my youth
the years don't return
and then i laugh
must be thinking absurd
and i almost sing
but my voice
doesn't find a word
i've never felt this broken
or afraid of things i've done
i've never felt this unsure
or wrong and it's no fun
the tears almost come
and then i sigh
must be bored with myself
and i almost wish
for the end
of the book on my shelf
the dust hides the titles
and then i laugh
must be thinking insane
and i almost feel
something else
but i still find pain
i've never felt this awful
thoughts in my mind weigh a ton
i've never felt this sorry
or wrong and it's no fun
and the tears almost come
|
|
| the roach side of frustration |
[05 Sep 2008|09:01pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the waterboys - book of lightening |
] |
yes, fine pickle of fish this move has been so far... i sit here counting the days off this life as i breath in powerful poisons in order to kill the roaches living in this building anywhere near this apartment and deter them from returning as it seems they were used to doing... the bedroom is off-limits tonight, probably tomorrow night as well... roaches i will not get used to, so either they go or i do... i gave notice to the management that the orkin guy coming this past wednesday did not resolve the roaches entering this space and they have two weeks to fix it or i will be moving out... i am almost certain that i have a thirty day window to move out according to the leasing agent... meanwhile, i used the outdoor killer stuff on the bedroom and parts of the kitchen and outside the front door and now i sit next to the open window hoping it does not rain any more than it already has because i'd like to sleep with the windows open tonight... in the living room... there's always the car and if i must, a local hotel... i might have headed over to the pool area to check out the wi-fi if it was not raining, again...
i know i intended to wait until monday so i'd be gone for a few days, but the roaches apparently wanted me to know they lived here first and were not planning on moving out as they were bold enough to be creeping around the kitchen counter in broad daylight when i got home... the dirty microwave got their attention... the one thing i bring in dirty (and i almost never used it, but they never cleaned it and i may trash it) and the roaches come looking, which tells me they have a nice home in the walls and this will require a serious treatment... alas, and here i thought i was paying $150 more a month to live in a cleaner, newer, better kept apartment... for all the negatives of the management and upkeep of the other place, there was never a bug in that apartment after i fumigated the first time and there was always food and crumbs and grease and standing water and cardboard boxes and clutter and all the things roaches love there... that comes from knowing how to treat a property for bugs... something they obviously do not know how to do here...
so i may be moving again before the end of the month, dammit... and i may spend a hundred or more trying to clean this building up first... just what i needed, higher rent and higher upkeep... and poisons in the air and everywhere... did i mention there's a bit of frustration floating around the place as well? (alas, this would be so much fun if there was someone sharing the adventure and challenge and poisoning... so naturally i am only laughing, not really loving it...
and the music continues... and the belly bloats (frustration leads to bloating, didn't you know that?... well, yeah, so does poisoning, but i will not live with roaches... did i mention that?... the music is wonderful in spite of the distractions and near death experiences... wonderfully wonderful, even though i do not have the magic of the tapes of wonder, the tapes of history, the tapes of thunder, the tapes of mystery, the tapes of lightening, the tapes of glory, the tapes of wisdom, the tapes or story... oh, oh oh, the story... i think the poisons are getting to me... it's not a great high, more like a low grade fever and nausea... and slight frontal lobe headache... kind of like two days ago when i thought it was mostly the move and kidneys...
O . . . O
. . .
O
yeah, in the almost immortal paraphrase of rene z in that movie everybody loved before they started hating the male co-star, you had me at stupid ass... that is, you have every right to call me a stupid ass, but fuck it, yes, fuck it, i am either going to die here or move and i really do not want to move again so soon, so i'll do my dirty work like i used to when i was young and more easily digested poisons and worked my way through high school killing nyc roaches and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be and while my outwardly insightfully (incitefully?) gifted friend z (not rene, though i'd love it) would suggest that i am just being a drama queen and suffering the slings and arrows of martyrdumb in order to prove nobody really gives a dam and i very well would die alone in an apartment someday like old auntie em (not dorothy's em, i had my own auntie em, just ask sandy who found her with me, poor kid, wish she was here, or better yet, in a much better place) and he may very well be right to a certain extent (a-hem), there is still the distinct possibility that i am simply a lazy stupid ass who does not want to drag the laptop and plugs and stuff down to the pool (do they even have outdoor plugs, i mean, the battery doesn't work) in the rain...
besides, i don't really want to leave the windows open with the ground all wet outside and a high chance of rain (excuses, excuses, but then, the last thing the new carpet needs is to get wet, roaches would love that... flipping fucktitude, where's the one who's gonna take care of me for a while... just been looking for her a lifetime, just when i thought i gave up, her comes that dream again... laughing like a lover finding just the right spot... chocolate fudge ice cream again... teasin like a child who does not know what he's got... fuck yeah...
i think i am tired of not cursing in my writing... either that or i have some pent up cursing that wants to come out... maybe it's the poisons... i think i'd have rather had a patio balcony overlooking the water like the model apartment they showed me... and two bedrooms, nicer layout... bigger kitchen... there really is no counter space in this one... they give up counter space for a bigger laundry room and a full size pantry closet... but i am at the rare, but still atainable moment wherein who gives a fuck makes sense...
i wouldn't mind the roaches and the poisons i have to use to deal with them if i was paying less rent, but this is an upscale place, or it's supposed to be.... don't judge a book by it's cover... meanwhile, i forgot to forward my mail all week... i am reminded of this because when i went to the mailbox, i found it full of the last tenant's mail... three electric bills, which suggests the apartment has been empty a couple of months, which makes sense as they replaced the carpets and flooring and even the counter tops and cabinets may be new... which may suggest the last tenants were pigs, tore the place up, and lived with the roaches because they fed them by being pigs and not knowing how to stop them from moving in...
the poisons are giving me a headache... i may have to check in somewhere tonight... at least i'd get the full fumigating over with in one night, but then, i might have to stay away three nights which would be the cost of another move, at least... my luck does not seem to be all that good in recent years... maybe it is true, maybe i simply haven't given a shit about myself or much of anything else in life in a while... we won't go pointing fingers of blame or seeking root causes or anything, just making an observation...
so what else is new?...
oh yeah, when i throw a pity party, i kick myself up but good, aye?... poisons 'n everythang... and like a good drunk, i've got tipped over bottles everywhere... water bottles, mind you, but there's such a thing as water poisning too, ya know... like you think no one ever got cancer from smoking those candy cigarettes as a kid?...
i'm going out a while, if it rains, it rains...
|
|
| as if i will live forever... |
[18 May 2008|03:27am] |
|
ok, so i let it go again, the acute sensation of physical awareness of living in this body in this world went back to sleep like it was taught to do in the first years of this life by grown ups who thought they knew better) and i became more everyone else than myself again… fuck me if i can't take a joke, bad as it is… stink, lather, repeat, leaven heavily with apathy and ignorance (feigned or not) and presto, nothingness actualized… or as close as it gets…
if you missed it, you didn't…
so tonight i ran again…
|
|
| for crying out loud |
[28 Feb 2008|03:35am] |
when all the world around you smiles while playing suicidal games
it might not be so bad if they did not condemn you for not playing
and if you were happy isolated from the crowd
but all alone, no one to love you,
well that just sucks
for crying out loud
neediness just wants to suck you down
to it's needy level
share dependency on poison pills
sugar rushes, and unhealthy ways
laziness just wants to suck you down
to it's lazy levels
share the selfish ride to nowhere
making messes, and unhealthy ways
don't let it get too deep
you may find when you're asleep
your subconscious comes to haunt you
don't let it too real
you may find that when you feel
your subconscious comes to taunt you
when all the world around you smiles while playing apathetic games
it might not be so bad if they did not ostracize you for not playing
and if you were happy not caring like the crowd
but all alone, no one knows you,
and that just sucks
for crying out loud
emptiness just wants to suck you down
to it's empty level
share the vacant stare at the TV
shallow conversations, and meaningless ways
greediness just wants to suck you down
to it's greedy levels
share the selfish ride to nowhere
just collecting stuff in meaningless ways
don't let it get too deep
you may find when you're asleep
your subconscious comes to haunt you
don't let it too real
you may find that when you feel
your subconscious comes to taunt you
|
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| maybe i should listen to my own music now and then… |
[16 Dec 2007|03:30am] |
End -- The Beatles
Nothing Else Matters -- Metallica
2 A.M. Song -- Logan Belle
Chasing Cars -- Snow Patrol
To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks -- Various Artists
Because -- The Beatles
Honesty -- Billy Joel
Lullaby -- Spill Canvas
Hey You - Hey You -- Pink Floyd
Believe -- Elton John
MP3 -- Bee Gees (I Started a Joke)
Cryin' Shame -- Donovan
After The Gold Rush -- Neil Young
Monster -- Jamen Brooks
Lives In The Balance -- Jackson Browne
Love Song -- Elton John
Wish You Were Here -- Pink Floyd
With Arms Outstretched -- Rilo Kiley
Imagine - John Lennon, Plastic Ono Band -- John Lennon
Vincent -- Don McLean
Don't Let it Bring You Down -- Alexa Ray Joel
Watching The Wheels - John Lennon -- John Lennon, Yoko Ono
Empty Garden -- Elton John
Comfortably Numb -- Pink Floyd
Still You Turn Me On -- Emerson, Lake, and Palmer
A Lack Of Color -- Death Cab for Cutie
Fixing A Hole -- Beatles
To Love Somebody -- Bee Gees
Shameless -- Garth Brooks
Slow Down World -- Donovan
Soul Meets Body -- Death Cab for Cutie
You Move Me -- Garth Brooks
Connect The Dots -- Spill Canvas
Glory Box -- Portishead
Don't Wanna Miss A Thing -- Aerosmith
I Know You're Out There Somewhere -- The Moody Blues
Rhymes And Reasons -- John Denver
Our House -- Crosby Stills Nash & Young
Holiday -- The Bee Gees
Your Song -- Elton John
It Just Is -- Rilo Kiley
Late For The Sky -- Jackson Browne
The River -- Garth Brooks
God -- John Lennon
Star Tripper -- Harry Chapin
The Greatest Discovery -- Elton John
Amazing -- Aerosmith
An Innocent Man -- Billy Joel
The Heart Of Me -- Alexa Ray Joel
The One -- Elton John
Shower The People -- James Taylor
Lay Down (Candles In The Rain) -- Melanie
Dance -- Garth Brooks
Song Of Yesterday -- Alexa Ray Joel
Remember -- Harry Nilsson
First Of May -- The Bee Gees
Poems, Prayers And Promises -- John Denver
If Tomorrow Never Comes -- Garth Brooks
You Want to Make a Memory -- Bon Jovi
Oh My Love -- Lennon, John
What One Man Can Do -- John Denver
Children of the World -- Donovan
Words (outtake) -- Neil Young
I will follow you -- Death Cab for Cutie
It Will Be Me -- Melissa Etheridge
Always Love -- Nada Surf
Neil Young Heart Of Gold -- Neil Young
Remember When The Music (Extended Version) -- Harry Chapin
Bridge over Troubled water -- Simon & Garfunkle
Feed The Birds -- Garth Hudson
Nothing Else Matters -- Apocalyptica
Lost For Words -- Pink Floyd
Everybody's Lonely -- Harry Chapin
Love -- John Lennon
The End -- Beatles
|
|
| there was a time |
[28 Jul 2007|03:28am] |
feeling bloated, tired and old
maybe my heart just has a cold
feeling wasted, bought and sold
maybe my mind just did as it was told
years of following voices inside
leaves me here alone
to share, it seems, i must be denied
this world is not my home
years of laughing at conformity
leaves me here lonely
to share, it seems, i cannot be free
this world was not meant for me
for i do not want to lie
i do not want to hide love inside
i do not want to put on a smile
when my species defiles
ideals like integrity
compassion and honesty
ideals like brotherhood
are sold like firewood
and burned in raging fires
of long repressed desires
do you know what is real?
do you know how you feel?
when was the last time you did something
that someone told you not to do
just because you believed in something
just because it was you
when was the last time you thought about life
as something more than what you want
when was the last time you looked around
and saw more than just what you want
words have become weak and watered down
truth has become meaningless here
love is a song for a laugh or a frown
but no longer felt as sincere
are we too wrapped up in fear
to care, to share, to hear
emo children lost in despair
might as well disappear
there was a time i believed in a dream
before it was packaged and sold
now i believe nothing is as it seems
feeling bloated, tired and old
maybe my heart just has a cold
feeling wasted, bought and sold
maybe my mind just did as it was told
growing bloated, tired and old
growing bloated, tired and old
feeling bloated, tired and old
|
|
| what matters to me |
[13 May 2007|01:40am] |
what matters to me is that I continue... you matter, but you are seldom here or anywhere I am... the world matters, but the world will go on without me and could care less whether I am in it or not... everything matters, but it matters more to me when I am alive and part of it, so what matters most to me is that I continue...
so I do...
it's not that I expect you to find me wherever I am or follow me around to all of the websites to which I upload words in the hope of finding at least one person who does want to know everything there is to know about me in the real world (and in my infinite imagination)... what matters to me is that I continue reaching out, uploading words, swinging my door open, waving at strangers, and hoping for that person who will share everything...
so I do...
and I definitely do not want anyone comfortable in my current living space where cleaning is rare and dishes pile up and farting and slothing and dying (or at least living unhealthy) is the main pasttime... what matters to me is that I survive the environment and cultural pressures and continue reaching out for someone who wants to create a new space to share...
so I do...
and even if all my reaching out is in vain, what matters most to me is that I continue to do it because it is the only hope for sharing life...
I continue reaching out...
|
|
| sleep walking |
[04 Apr 2007|11:17pm] |
as my heart has been sleeping
keeping dreams in subconscious illuminations
I forget how it feels to be awake and alive
so accustomed to a lack of sensation
I don't even realize how numb I've become
and the waking is a painful realization
that so much potential is lost to the tide
of time and the lack of observation
all the life I've missed
lips I might have kissed
hearts I might have known
ways I might have grown
all the friends I've lost
there's no counting cost
just the chance to wake up
to live alive at last
for there is no make up
for life that has passed
and all the pity
just wastes more time
don't look for sense
just let it rhyme
and if the dream of love is never shared as it could be
may I enjoy each moment as if it is eternity
to feel the passion of desire and aching agony
of knowing all I've still got left inside of me
that will never be shared in the peaceful serenity
of sleep walking through life in fantasy
pretending I don't know all that could be
but I've been alive
feeling magic shining down from stars above
I've been alive
part of infinite eternal endless love
I've known the moment
that the purest fairy tales are made of
and the torturous pain of losing that shuts one down
smothered, like putting a hand in a glove
and wondering why everything seems just out of reach
out of touch with the self and the senses
dormant, like a sailboat on a beach
you don't even realize how numb you've become
and the waking is a painful realization
that so much potential is lost to the tide
of time and the lack of observation
all the life you've missed
lips you might have kissed
hearts you might have known
ways you might have grown
all the friends you've lost
there's no counting cost
just the chance to wake up
to live alive at last
for there is no make up
for life that has passed
and all the pity
just wastes more time
don't look for sense
just let it rhyme
it doesn't make a difference if it's you or me
when we're asleep there is no real identity
just illusion and pretending and fantasy
and maybe some sad memory of how it used to be
but all the pity
just wastes more time
don't look for sense
just let it rhyme
|
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| it's been years |
[28 Feb 2007|01:31am] |
and I've not just been gone, but I've been gone inside, buried deep within something denied, maybe pride, or something I hide that feeds a laziness, I must confess, an apathy has swallowed me and my mouth, once so secure, is now always hungry, mouth always hungry, but there's no more room unless I burst...
and so I watched TV all night because my roommate slept on the couch and sure enough the tap tap tap of the keys in that first paragraph woke him oh well how much can I stay silent and lost in a vegetative ambivalence that undermines every desire and dream I've ever known (except maybe eating anything I want anytime I want, but the body will give out before long, after all, I am not immortal)...
I was sad about this place since last I came here because I came here a couple of weeks ago, that would be two, to be exact, and I wrote an entry I like about love because it was Valentine's day and there's so much love in this world, and in me, but no one just sharing with me these days, yet the hope rose above the loneliness and the rhyme stirred my heart and my smile went wide only to find that I somehow deleted the entry without knowing...
sad...
and it's been years since I loved one on one anyone outside of my professional one on one relationships that have kept me alive and feeling in spite of the emptiness where personal romance belongs dee inside, a void of wanting, waiting, longing, hungry for passion and undivided attention, affection and unconditional love, devotion and unwavering trust...
and food is a band-aid that lasts for a moment or hour or few, sometimes, but a few hours later, or after I wake up, the bloat feels so stupid, so foolish, so full of self-destruction, a craving suicide for oral fixation, for sensual stimulation, for all the right hormones that come from true love or sugars and starches and comfort foods...
do we know what we do to ourselves?...
I get sad when I realize I do, I know, the choice is either to go numb, walking, dead, or to find another way to satisfy the hunger for sensual experience and hormonal surges and without another person to balance the stimuli, too easily we can become addicted to the one or few we can give ourselves and then further imbalances leave us longing for more and less apt to find the balance as we spiral out of control toward the end of the road...
sad...
it's been years of imbalance, not nearly as off as many I see around me each day, and that saddens me more, for I don't want to throw myself off even further by getting too close to another who is more imbalanced than I am, so alone I sit and type, and alone I watch TV, and alone I sit and read, and alone I go to bed, and alone I find my comfort in the foods of my youth and this body doesn't want to be like everybody else, either numb, mostly dead, or over-stuffed by over-indulged taste buds and substance inspired hormonal surges, so I sit here alone, writing rambling collections of words that no one reads...
or sometimes, maybe, someone reads... maybe someone even reads this deep into the babble, maybe someone even reads between the lines, maybe someone even reads the timeless archives, the other websites, the many faces, many moods, many ways I've tried to express everything I feel inside... and here I am again, not dead, but mostly dead, and bloated, tired, wasted, aimless, waiting for someone to inspire me to save myself from boredom and ambivalence with just the right mix of stimulation, right for me, right for her, right for us...
but nothing changes, no one is here, in time and space, no one's here except all these other people more imbalanced, more shut down, or more bloated than I ever want to get and I haven't gone there yet, which does not make me sad...
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| notes from the md |
[03 Jan 2007|01:44am] |
a Note about these notes: these notes pertain to the temporary exercise log wherein I keep track of the madness of running in circles, running in place, running up stairs that do not exist, lifting metal objects, using gym equipment, and generally acting the fool instead of growing lazy, fat, and old (what can I say, I've always been a rebel, just not doing it too well of late)... most of these notes might be boring as they are simply my initial reactions, thoughts, and mostly just the facts (we hope) immediately after nearly killing myself at the gym or on some running trail... sadists might enjoy them, the rest of you, who knows... you might want to send sympathy or cheer me on or just watch (shaking your head, perhaps)... but feel free to comment in any way shape or form, for it'll let me know that I may actually still be alive and such information would be greatly appreciated... (NOTE: this page is the third such page of notes in this journal, notes of past years can be found, well, in the past)...
and now, the workout notes (a new beginning, whenever):
2/28... yeah, it took me this long to get this going this year, not unlike some of the previous years, but still I decided to use the first few days of this year since they were just sitting around empty gathering dust... and we ask, what brings me back here to this dichotomy of journal madness and folly, depression and euphoria, pity-party and motivational speeches?... the nice lady I call my doctor and the lab results she threw in my face today, that's what... at 220, again, it is time to drop weight...
3/1... I wrote that 2/28 blurb just now for yesterday (and it's already 2am on 3/2, but actual time, for whatever it's worth, shall be recorded starting with the next blurb in this extended recurring entry... for now, for the first time, I try to take a serious look at the numbers on that lab sheet (which will wait as my roommate just woke and seeks interaction)... initially, I just glanced and grumbled as they did not look good...
3/2, 2:07am... ok, things to look up to refresh my memory: Triglycerides, AST, ALT... apparently these, along with my glucose, hemoglobin, calcium, and chol/HDLC ratio are high and rising in the last few blood tests over the past few years... cholesterol was below 200, but rising too... no doubt lack of exercise is the primary culprit... coupled with randomly binging on ice cream, chocolate, and high-volume carb and cheese meals does not help... this sucks... I mean, sure I've been looking for a reason to stop the stupid binging on comfort foods, but dangit they are all I have to provide physical stimulation and comfort these days... I can see loneliness and aching for companionship growing as I shut my mouth to most foods I love...
the metabolism in this body is definitely slowing with passing years... almost every day at work I have a salad with broccoli and tomatoes and carrots and it has not been effective... a few nights a week I have a couple of 100 calorie veggie burgers with light bread and that isn't helping... obviously, it's exercise... I sit all day at a desk and then sit all evening in the big green chair... day after day, the fool on his rump... time for a change, I hope...
3/3, 3:16am... salad, mostly lettuce, a few cherry tomatoes and slices of cucumber, a sprinkle of bacon bits and a dozen sunflower seeds, a few ounces (if that much) fat free zesty italian dressing (3g carb an ounce)... so I believe less calories went in today than the previous two days... continuing the quasi-fast...
and then the pills... Milk Thistle (liver), Cranberry (kidney), Green Tea Extract, Cayenne Fruit, Echinacea, Papaya Enzyme (digestion), Odorless Garlic (heart), Lecithin, Cinnamon (sugar), Ginkgo Biloba, Bilberry Extract (eyes), Vitamins B, C, E, and multi-vitamin and the blood pressure pill and the pill-popping baby is all set... this would be the strange way I start to deal with the lab results and rebuilding of this body (and we'll just keep hoping it's possible right to the very end)...
3/3, 2322... something is happening (or more accurately, is not happening in this body... I practically fasted the past four days, consuming less than 300 calories per day... I dropped only 3 pounds... it makes no sense, except to suggest that the metabolism is way out of wack... perhaps too dependant on the high carb high sugar diet I've gotten it used to, but still, something else feels like it's going on... like the body is not digesting carbs and sugars the way it used to (which might explain the green shit when I eat high carb/sugar stuff like chocolate fudge ice cream and the lethargy when I fast that never used to happen until the last few months, but then, could it be the gall bladder not producing enough bile to burn the fat that creates the green and the lethargy when the body is asked to turn to burning fat during a fast?... the latter suddenly makes more sense... and I do have elevated liver enzymes and occasional twangs in the gall bladder area after eating a lot... or am I just reading too much into a mindset of laziness and mostly deadness more than ever?... time will tell if I survive this latest experiment)...
meanwhile, the gym was renovated... I mean, seriously... all new machines... brand new... high tech... two of everything... and a TV... I was so excited when I got down there I forgot how tired I was... for a little while... I'll have to get used to the readings on the new equipment... some things are different... and I want to figure out how to get the heart rate thing to work on the lifecycle (it works on the treadmill)... and stop it from cutting into my skin (that feature has very poor design, regardless of price and features)... but so much to play with... new and different weight machines... so much excitement... not if I can only get the body to cooperate... I hope I continue...
3/5, 2304... sweet, I made it back down there before another year went by... yes, that is how wasted the fitness center in my brain (and my abs) have become... pathetic was never as pathetic as pathetic is now... and maybe in a month of Sundays, if I continue to ignore the influences around me (fat chance, literally, as pizza sits on the table next to McDonalds bags and pepsi bottles and leftover Chinese and other stuff sits in the fridge... but I didn't touch it and ate two veggie burgers and three fish patties (560 calories total) and a small can of asparagus and a medium can of spinach (50 calories total) with water... and lunch was a scoop of imitation crab salad, which i felt was a luxury... that's it for today... and exercise... so how slow has my metabolism gotten (I am such a dang chameleon, dammit!) that I have lost just 3 pounds after 6 days with this being the most calories I've had in the six days (except for yesterday when I probably went about 1200 calories)?... the body has gone mad, I tell you...
but on the other hand, tonight I had much more energy than the last time at the gym and while I am way far below anything near satisfactory results, improvement is a good thing... hope for continue...
3/6, 2357... better than before, energy returning, wow, big change from last week (body obviously response poorly to 200c diet after 4 days)... again about 1200 calories today (ate out, not easy to tell, maybe 1500?)... lunch: italian egg roll (fried, with cheese), chicken-mango wrap... not hungry for dinner... may have breakfast tomorrow, definitely lunch... napped 3 hours after work (deep sleep) and then gym... leg fatigue from long layoff, but felt/feel great... improvement increasing... continue...
3/7, 2340... yeah, improving... started out with calf tightness and fatigue, partly because I just woke from a nap and went directly to the gym... a little dry... more calories (and more fat/carb calories) today than in a week, maybe 2000?)... breakfast: shroom,onion, cheese omelete, bacon, home fries... lunch: veggie wrap... no dinner, feel fine (still the overall bloat of excess weight around abs), will have similar breakfast tomorrow... napped on and off 2.5 hours (medium)... continue...
3/8, 2350... holy crap... ammonia smelling perspiration after more than 100 consecutive minutes on the life cycle 93... phew, yet paced well and muscle fatigue, but no cramps, and breathing easily the last 45 minutes and pulse peaked at 160, averaged 147 for first 60 minutes, 138 for last 45 minutes... good lactic acid production, good (though I shudder to use the work) stamina for the 4th consecutive day... burning 1100+ calories inspires a smile... weight still dropping at a pound a day... continue...
3/9, 2333... hmmmmm, ok, yesterday I really pushed limits of endurance, stamina, and conditioning by pushing time... and exhaustion was extreme... and I felt a bit woozy and achy all night, waking a lot and sleeping maybe 4 hours... and a bit woozy today... and chest strain, upper right quadrant, that had me wondering if it was the heart muscle urging caution... so I chose to keep tonight shorter, guaranteeing that by showing up 20 minutes before the techical closing time for the gym... and I'd have been ok with a light slow workout... but the legs, rubbery and twinging, pushed anyway... fastest mph pumping to date on the fifth consecutive day... and my nipples are sore... but the wooziness is gone, the chest pain gone, and the spirit once again almost smiling with a touch of surprise... of course a true smile might come after 100 consecutive days of consistent improvement, but still, continue...
3/10, (3/11,0056)... crazy... eating to recover means continuing to push limits, but tonight was perhaps a fool's night to push limits as I have a long day (like easily 16 hours long, more likely 18 hours long) on my feet walking around Disney... hopefully, like Weebles, I'll wobble, but not fall down... the food intact was there so the energy was there so the workout was there... yeah, I might have gone earlier, but the consistency of the hour still seems important... I might have lightened up, but the energy was there... maybe that's why I didn't do the concerts today, to rest and not have an excuse to skip a workout... tomorrow night, however, I may skip it... maybe... depending on when I get home... crazy, maybe, but a break can lead to a stop and a stop is not what this body needs at the moment... just to keep track, finally, first in three or four days, or longer, a BM... you had to know, right?... continue...
3/11 (3/13,0011)... 3hrs sleep (lost an hour due to clock change), out 17+ hrs, Disney 14+ hrs, last 7+ hrs pushing 240+ lbs in a wheelcvhair up and down ramps, we shall see tomorrow at weigh in if it was enough to make up for no gym...
3/12 (3/13,0014)... ~3hrs sleep, usual work day, ate big dinner, napped 3 hrs, weighed in at same weight past three days even after large dinner and increased carbs (bread, yogurt) the past few days, so skipping the gym yesterday was ok... very small Tink-body at gym provided inspiration to push despite fatigue, so a few best times achieved... must increase sleep... continue...
3/13... lost a day of these notes somewhere along the way... continue...
3/14, 2351... ok, consecutive day string on the lifecycle back on track after a long day at Disney (so consecutive workout days are up to 10 days still with steadily increasing stats each day)... eating more normally, weight continuing to drop slowly, but at least 30 pounds to go for satisfaction... must remember to push water as increase pills creating kidney sediment (red granular, appears uric acid based)... possibly switch to liquids where possible (and affordable)... should do more research on mixture of pills I am taking... continue...
3/15 2326... frustrated by losing an inspiring entry yesterday, equilibrium was upset, the NCAA tournament picks were not made, the bummer feeling brewed deep down... this may be why tonight was a challenge at the gym... and sleep reserves are low... or perhaps it was the corned beef and cabbage, definitely not the idea food for the kind of workouts I am doing... the first bloated feeling in two weeks, high body/blood gases... add the fact that someone had just gotten on the lifecycle I usually use and I had to use the one that cut my hand last time... I also sit too much throughout the day...
still, though I felt like 60 minutes would be beyond this body tonight, I had a decent kick for the last four minutes as the last mile stats for today show... and I paced myself to be ahead of the guy next to me on the more comfortable lifecycle... I learned that the other lifecycle (the 93xi) has a lower base resistance than the one I used tonight (91xi), so I burned more calories per step/mile than on the other, however speed was more challenging to maintain... and yet, I seem to be pushing myself to settle for no less than 6mph, which is better than I thought I'd be at this very early stage of re-conditioning... and it is the eleventh consecutive push day... so all in all, stay away from gassy foods like cabbage, balance the meats, get more sleep, and continue...
3/16 (3/17,0054)... and just when I felt like a break might be wise, and on less sleep than any previous day in this twelve consecutive workout days, and just when I left myself 60 minutes until closing time, the Deputy showed up an hour late and I continued for 2 full hours on the Lifecycle 93xi setting best times for mileage all the way through and best times for calories after 60 minutes (second best by less than 5 calories up to 60 minutes)... I must be crazy, or something... yay...
I downed all 40 oz of water I took before the 65 minute mark, so the second hour was without water and the liver and kidneys are letting me know that was not the wisest move... I've had 30 more oz since in the past hour and intend to down 20 more ounces asap... I also ate fewer calories today and drpped another pound before the workout... I may eat tonight before going to bed, maybe...
I feel surprisingly good... continue...
3/17 - 3/23... the stats are in the LOG... briefly, I continued consecutive days gym work until the 21st, which would make it 16 consecutive, took one day off, and started up again... on 3/18 I came down with a UTI that kicked my butt all week, but still, I only took the one night off... pissing blood on 3/22, still went to the gym... doubled the anti-biotic for two doses and now started to feel improvement, though still weak and fighting the bug... continue...
3/24... crazy, no doubt... right kidney not feeling great after 3 hours on the Lifecycle... yes, 3 hours... I took a 3 minute break after the second hour because I ran out of water... 70 ounces consumed, 60 in the first 60 minutes... kinda numb... this mind over body trip feels great in my head though... hope I don't die tonight... continue...
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10/2/08... what a wasted lump i've become... i did do an hour on the eliptical tonight after softball, but still...
if i return to this sort of log, you may find directions to it somewhere in here...
be good to you...
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| stats, the third |
[02 Jan 2007|01:25am] |
and in all actuality, this is far further along than third, but whatever, just the stats, right?... see the notes for more details...
FORMAT: DATE, TIME, Avg Level, Steps Per Minute, Minutes, cals, distance, wt machine reps, wt.
KEY:
ci = calories in
~ = approx
~~ = very approx
L = level
rpm = steps per minute
mn = minutes
c = calories burned
m = minutes
HR = heart rate (avg)
pHR = peak heart rate
cHR = 1mn cd HR
aHR = avg HR
#HR = mn cd HR
lbs = body weight
lb = weights lifted
mph = miles per hour
TM = treadmill
LC = Lifecycle (LifeFitness )
cd = cool down
tc = total calories
wk = walk (~4m pace)
#wk = # miles pace walk
T = totals for workout
#rep# = weight reps, 1st # = how many reps, 2nd # = how many movements
STATS ... OLD RECORD ... NEW RECORD
2/28.. 270ci
3/1... 200ci
3/2... salad, mostly lettuce, a few cherry tomatoes and cucumber slices with a few ounces of fat free zesty italian dressing... and the pills...
3/3... 200ci at noonish, ~250ci at 9pm, extreme fatigue (low sugar?), still bloated, going to the gym now (maybe I really am crazy?)... must get metabolism up again...
3/3, 2200, ~L10, ~5.5mph, 10mn, ~125c, ~.86m, 217lbs, 5 mn cool
3/3, 2220, tread fit test, 151 max HR, 33.6 vol. oxygen?
3/5,1200: one scoop imit crab salad, 1800: 2 veg burgs, 2 fish pats, ~1000tc
3/5, 2210, 5mn wu, ~L5, ~6mph, 30mn, 330c, 3.02m, 217lbs, 5mn cd (390tc)
3/6,1200 OUT: italian wrap, broiled chicken mango wrap, ~1200tc
3/6, 2200, ~L5, ~6.3mph, 30mn, 340c, 3.15m, 216lb, 25mn cd (395tc)
3/7,0730 OUT: shroom,onion,cheese omelete,bacon,homefries; 1215 OUT: veggie wrap,sweet potato fries ~~2000tc</font>
3/7,2205: ~L6, ~6mph, 30mn, 350c, 3.05m 215lbs, 45mn wk cd(~650tc)
3/8, 0800 OUT: shrimp,feta,onion,schroom,cheese omelete,bacon (large portion),2 sausage links,home fries,juice, coffee 1930 IN: five slices fat-free turkey, asparagus, spinach, ~~2000tc... sedentary day...
3/8,2150: T: +100mn, ~L4, ~+10m, ~+1100c 214lbs
30mn, 3.03m, continued to 40mn at L5, to 60 mn at L4
60mn, 5.81m, 666c, after 5mn cd 6.11m, 714c, 46mn wk, ~~3.93m, 400c,
3/9, 1100 work: 2broiled chicken thighs,veggie mix, 1800 home: salad w/egg,sunflower seeds,cheese,3oz cottage cheese,3oz macaroni salad, ~~1200tc... sedentary...
3/9,2240: ~L1.5, 30mn, ~6.5mph, 3.30m, 320c, 213lbs~160pHR, ~150aHR,
3/10, 0020 home: 7ff turkey,1 ff cheese,spinach,asparagus, 0600 home: ff yogurt,BBQ hotpocket,5 clams casino,1ff cheese,1600 home: ff yogurt,2 stuffed flounders, 2ff cheese ~~2100tc
3/10,2348... ~L3,80mn,7.64m,852tc,,~155pHR,~140aHR,~122-5HR,109-10HR,213lbs
~L6.5 10m, L5, 10m, L4, 10m 30mn, 3.22m 340c
L2, 40mn, 4.10m, 444c . . . . . . . . . L2, 50mn, 5.08m, 550c
L2, 60mn, 6.12m, 660c . . . . . . . . . ~L3, 5mn cd 65mn, 6.58m, 708c
3/11... no gym today... after 3 hrs sleep, out 17 hours, Disney 14+ hours, last 7+ hrs pushing 240+lbs in a wheelchair up and down ramps, got home too late for the gym... 1200 out: tuna sandwich,chips, 2130 out: turkey/bacon pannini,chips... ~2 hrs sleep...
3/12, 2350... 1730 home: 3 grouper patties, 2 stuffed flouders, 3 ff cheese, ~1800tc, napped 3 hrs...
3/12.2210: ~L3.7, 62.5mn, ~6.30m, 688c, 213lbs, 157pHR, 145aHR
~L5.5, 30mn, 3.31m, 344c . . . . . . . . . L2, 40mn, 4.14m, 446c
L2, 50mn, 5.09m, 551c . . . . . . . . . L1.6 60mn, 6.09m, 658c
3/13, 2337... 1110 work: 2 beef burritos,corn,rice,cheese,salsa,sour cream,lettuce,macaroni salad, ~~1400tc... ~6hrs sleep, ~3hr nap...
3/13.2200: ~L3.3, 86mn, 8.64m, 925c, 157pHR, 133aHR, 120HR 5cd, 212lbs
~L5.8, 30mn 3.41m, 344c . . . . . . . . . L4, 40mn 4.31m, 448c,
L3, 50mn, 5.34m, 558c . . . . . . . . . L2, 60mn, 6.48m, 666c
L2, 65mn, 6.93m, 716c . . . . . . . . . L1, ~21mn, ~1.71m, ~209c,
3/14,2320... 1110 work: meatballs/sausage in tomato sauce,cheese,salad,ff Italian,baconbits, 2 Papa John pep pizza
3/14,2200: L4.7, 60mn, 6.64m, 676tc, 155pHR, 142aHR, 212lbs
(L7 6mn, L6 18mn, L5 6mn, L4 12mn, L3 18mn, breath 2-2 after 15 mn)
L6, 30mn, 3.41m, 344c . . . . . . . . . L4, 40mn, 4.41m, 454c
L3, 50mn, 5.48m, 567c . . . . . . . . . L3, 60mn, 6.64m, 676c
3/15,2312... 1110 work: corned beef,cabbage,carrots,mac.salad,salad,ff italian... 1950 home: 8 ff turkey,3 ff cheese,asparagus... ~~1200tc...
3/15,2200: ~L3.2, 60mn, 6.14mph, 6.14m, 636c, 155pHR, 138aHR, 212lbs,
~L5, 30mn, 3.11m, 334c . . . . . . . . . L3.5, 40mn, 4.07m, 432c
L1, 50mn, 5.03m, 532c . . . . . . . . . L1, 60mn, 6.14m, 636c
3/16, 1110 work: 1 dry burger,1 salami,fries,cole slaw,mac.salad,salad,cheese,ff italian dressing, ~~1000tc...
~L2.57, 120mn, 12.89m, 1292tc 158pHR, 142aHR, 211lbs, 50oz water, 40oz post
L4.4, 30mn, 3.49m, 341c . . . . . . . . . L4.3, 40mn, 4.55m, 449c
L4.2, 50mn, 5.67m, 561c . . . . . . . . . L4.1 60mn, 6.82m 672c
L3.9, 65mn, 7.34m, 725c . . . . . . . . . L3.4, 80mn, 8.93m, 879c
L3.2, 85mn, 9.50m, 933c . . . . . . . . . L3.1, 90mn, 10.05m, 987c
L3, 95mn, 10.59m, 1039c . . . . . . . . . L2.9, 100mn, 11.11m, 1091c
L2.8, 105mn, 11.59m, 1143c . . . . . . . . . L2.7, 110mn, 12.05m, 1191c
L2.6, 115mn, 12.41m, 1242c . . . . . . . . . L2.57, 120mn, 12.89m, 1292c
3/17 1913, 1330 home: 4 ff franks (200c), 8 ff turkey (160c), 4oz cream cheese (400c), 12 Donato's chicken strips, 2 pizza... ~~2000tc
today I started using a software program to track data... it's not ideal and I'm still learning how to modify it and I'm not sure if I can get it into a form that can get on the web to share with you (if anybody's actually out there reading this on any sort of regular basis)... I shall attempt to keep adding the totals and new best times here... eventually I want to create a database when I get a new computer cuz this old one would choke if I tried opening yet another program, but for now, this is going to be here, though trimmed down...
~L1, 65mn, 7.42m 691c
... 3m 25:11 ... 4m 34:06 ... 5m 42:48 ... 6m 5136
~L1, 30mn, 3.57m, 320c . . . . . . . . . ~L1, 40mn, 4.68m, 426c
~L1, 50mn, 5.82m, 532c . . . . . . . . . ~L1, 60mn, 7.03m, 642c</font>
3/18... in the other log...
3m 25:04mn 5m 54:00mn, 476c
30mn, 5.62m, 320c . . . . . . . . . 40mn, 4.56m, 425c
50mn, 5.44m, 526c . . . . . . . . . 60mn, 6.41m, 641c
3/19... other log
30mm, 3.34m, 335c . . . . . . . . . 40mn, 4.41m, 446c
3/20... woke late from nap. feeling the fatigue of the body fighting the UTI... got to gym but only had 10 minutes there... fast-walked the neighborhood for 50 minutes...
3/21... no gym, slept 14 hours...
3/22... got to gym but both Lifecycles were taken... started on Treadmill...
TM, 10m, .75m, 196c...
LC: 1m 8:20m
30mn, 3.54m, 330c . . . . . . . . . TM, 1.79m, 185c
3/23...
752tc
30mn, 3.37m, 334c . . . . . . . . . 40mn, 4.35m, 432c
50mn, 5.27m, 531c . . . . . . . . . 60mn, 6.40m, 635c
65mn, 6.93m, 682c . . . . . . . . . TM, 10mn, .6m, 70c
3/24...
~L, 180mn, 15.18m, 1894c, 130aHR, 150pHR, 209lbs
L2, 30m, 3.46m, 323c . . . . . . . . . L1, 40m, 4.34m, 426c
L10, 50mn, 5.10m, 543c . . . . . . . . . L10, 60mn, 6.07m, 666c
L1, 65mn, 6.47m, 717c . . . . . . . . . L5, 70mn,
L5, 75mn, 7.17m, 823c . . . . . . . . . L5, 80mn, 7.50m, 863c
L5, 85mn, 7.83m, 927c . . . . . . . . . L5, 90mn, 8.20m, 981c
L5, 95mn, 8.57m, 1037c . . . . . . . . . L5, 100mn, 8.98m, 1092c
L5, 105mn, 9.32m, 1142c . . . . . . . . . L5, 110mn, 9.77m, 1195c
L5, 115mn, 10.23m, 1250c . . . . . . . . . L5, 120mn, 10.69m, 1305c
L5, 125mn, 11.10m, 1354c . . . . . . . . . L?, 130mn, 11.51m, 1402c
L?, 140mn, 12.26m, 1494c . . . . . . . . . L?, 145mn, 12.58m, 1538c
L?, 150mn, 13.00m, 1602c . . . . . . . . . L?, 155mn, 13.41m, 1650c
L?, 160mn, 13.79m, 1701c . . . . . . . . . L?, 165mn, 14.11m, 1749c
L?, 170mn, 14.41m, 1795c . . . . . . . . . L?, 175mn, 14.78m, 1843c
L?, 180mn, 15.18m, 1894c
3/25...
~L2, 47:30m, 565m, 513tc, 140aHR, 145pHR, 208lbs
L3, 1m 8:01mn ... L2.5, 3m 24:46mn ... L2, 4m, 32:47mn ... L1, 5m, 42:04mn
L2.5, 30mn, 3.70m, 328c . . . . . . . . . L2, 40mn, 4.77m, 434c
L1, 47:30m, 565m, 513c (Deputy closed gym)
3/26...
65mn, 7.78m, 692tc</font>
4m 33:08mn . . . 5m 41:26mn . . . 6m 49:20mn . . . 7m 58:05mn
70mn, 8.15m, 742tc
30mn, 3.65m, 318c . . . . . . . . . 40mn 4.83m, 426c
50mn, 6.08m, 536c . . . . . . . . . 60mn, 7.25m, 642c
3/27...
1m 7:34mn ... 2m, 15:30mn . . . 2.6m 20mn
3/28... concert
3/29...
65mn, 8.07m, 713c
1m 8:06mn ... 2m 15:50mn ... 3m 23:35mn ... 4m 31:05mn ... 5m 39:08mn ... 6m 47:59mn ... 7m 55:55mn
30mn, 3.38m, 334c . . . . . . . . . 40mn, 5.13m, 340c
40mn, 6.26m, 554c . . . . . . . . . 60mn, 7.56m, 662c
3/30...
65mn, 7.81m, 727tc
3m 24:40mn ... 5m 32:45mn, 360c ... 5m 40:58mn ... 6m 49:08mn ... 7m 57:35mn
30mn, 3.68m, 330c . . . . . . . . . 40mn, 4.89m, 444c
50mn, 5.11m, 445c . . . . . . . . . 60mn, 7.26m, 675c
3/31...
72mn, 8.18m, 801tc
3m 24:35 ... 4m 33:19 ... 5m 42:23 ... 6m 51:16 ... 7m 59:40 ... 8m 69:59
30mn, 3.64m, 342c . . . . . . . . . 40mn, 4.76m, 452c
50mn, 5.85m, 562c . . . . . . . . . 60mn, 7.04m, 670c
65mn, 7.56m, 721c
4/1...
~L5.7, 46mn, 5.39m, 527c
L7 1m 7:55mn ... L5 3m 24:09mn ... 285c ... L4 4m 32:52mn 380c ... L3 5m 41:59mn 482c . . . L7 10mn, 1.26m, 116c . . . . . . . . . L6 20mn, 2.50m, 236c
L5 30mn, 3.75m, 352c . . . . . . . . . L4 40mn, 4.79m, 463c
10/2/08... time passes... and i atrophy... i suppose i should start again somewhere else... in case you are following this thread, look for the next step somewhere in here...
i'll try to be a little more alive any day now...
hopefully before i die :}
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| oh really? |
[01 Jan 2007|01:19am] |
well, that certainly went bust fast... not the best of years for the body, that is for sure...
yeah, goals of the past and paster past should haunt me (and perhaps they do, but I've grown so accustomed to their ghostly faces they almost make the day begin, ya know)...
so start again (and yet, it's already March this year... such a lamb, on the lamb, leg 'o lamb)...
more to follow, we hope...
and when no follow up came, i knew it must have been from me...
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| time doesn't really fly, does it? |
[30 Dec 2006|05:35am] |
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music |
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Harry Chapin, Verities & Balderdash |
] |
I am not finding the comfortable sitting position tonight that I usually find as I come to write whatever is passing through my head, which is, perhaps, why we find me returning here again after a longer than usual absence... in one of my alter-ego journals I reflected on life a bit and ended up hearing an old Harry Chapin song in my mind and so I've come here with the CD in my hand and just pressed the play button... Verities & Balderdash... Harry Chapin music is one of my very oldest friends...
and as I open yet another plastic bottle of Code Red the realization that I have not had the time to rest and live my personal circadian rhythm in more than half a decade and that, my friends, is a very long time to be on someone else's clock... but isn't that the way of the world (and, if you ask me, the reason humanity is suicidal individually and as a species, but who asks me)...
anyway, I wish someone would relate to Harry Chapin music (and the world) as I do... while there is so much sadness, sorrow, tragedy in his lyrics and in the world, there is even more hope and beauty... at least that is my perspective and when I find myself doubting, when my eyes grow dim and my heart feels heavy, I come here to whine and complain and throw a pity party and every time I find myself laughing at myself and the poverty of senses that brings me here as my positive perspective returns...
yes, this is the land of the mostly dead where I bury the ghosts (not so deep to keep them from coming out and singing now and then though)... Harry knows the ghost well... he is one... as are the characters in his songs... and they know my personal ghosts well, or vice versa... so perhaps it is time for another haunted hallowed party in my head and alas, as usual, I throw it alone...
those of you who feel depression as a dark pit from which you see no escape might see this land of the mostly dead as a demented Escher painting, a spiraling blackness that repeats the same different scary and apathetic steps every day... some of you might feel a kinship with the self-pity or a connection with the self-doubts... I do not wish to disappoint you, but you should be aware (if you will let yourself be) that while I am familiar with the death spiral of self-destruction and negativity commonly known as depression, it is not my home, nor is it my usual state of mind... it is, however, the collective consciousness I feel in humanity these days and as I am far from perfect and therefore sometimes get caught up in the downtrodden perspective of being human, I can relate... I just don't want to stay here and know how to get out... I hope you don't hate me too much for this, or for articulating it...
meanwhile, as I come here at the peak of this year's holiday bloat, I feel my sagging body growing older by the minute and wonder if pushing it further with chemical stimulants and extra sugars is truly worth it... I enjoy the sensory experience of chocolate and other high fat and high-carb comfort foods... but I enjoy physical exercise and sharing healthy experiences just as much (often even more)... it's the sharing that makes all the difference in the world... there is no sharing these days...
lately, I am finding that I enjoy solitary self-indulgence in comfort foods more than I enjoy solitary pleasures of exercise and healthy foods... and while everywhere I turn I get much encouragement to be decadently self-destructive in diet and lifestyle and it is so easy, so human to whine about the influences of those around me and this overweight consumer culture, I know it is my choice... so I've bloated up to 219 pounds and my sugar (glucose) level was 126 this week and my dear doctor wants me back in 7 weeks for another check up... I've got a great doctor, really, and I suppose it's a good sign that I actually do keep going back... I haven't seen my dentist in more than two years and he's a great dentist... for what it's worth...
and another swig of Code Red... like Harry says, What Made America Famous...
alas, there's no tick toc on our electric clock, but still our time runs down... and we close our eyes and pray the truth will go away, but burned into our consciousness like many shades of gray is the long lost alienation you can see in the eyes of a stray, so we open our eyes and sigh and then, collectively look away...
and I still don't... and I still hope to find eyes that will look back at mine and see what I see and feel the depression and can still reach the hope within and trust that we can still share it... cynics might call it foolishness... romantics call it love... when I find the one who looks back at me and shares it, I will know what I call it...
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